Learning to Love Yourself

Sunday, February 22, 2015


Sorry that I've been quiet for a while. I've been hitting the books hard! And this coming week, is my last for the semester, then I have a week off and it's back to the grind! But I'm enjoying myself in school. So...I thought I'd say hello to everyone before I study for my finals this week.
I hope everyone is doing well out there. I am, for the most part. I'm not picking up, which that in itself is a wonderful part of life! But I have been going through some stuff. I've been out of one of my medications for a week (pharmacy/insurance/doctor/pre-authorizations are holding me up). So, I'm wondering if that has to do with what I'm going through. Also, I started back on Chantix. (I hope my online friend is reading this to know...I'm back in the game with quitting smoking with him!) But last time I was on Chantix I got severely depressed. I missed a whole week of work because I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying, I didn't want to get out of bed, shower, nothing. It was if I had started using. I did go off my medication too at that time. And look now, my one prescription I've been off for a week and I'm back on Chantix. Oh wonderful! Also, I slipped up close to the end of depression. No excuses, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I started to feel suicidal and I didn't want that, so what does my disease tell me..."Use and you won't be depressed anymore. You'll feel great and want to live!" Usually, if I'm off of my medication...it's not a good sign. It brings me to places I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go to. So, I guess I'm telling you all of this so it comes out. You have to bring your dark secrets to the light, or they will keep you sick. And sick people relapse. So, I'm a little nervous. I don't know how I'm going to feel or react one minute to the next. My bipolar kicks in hard! I'm on cloud 9 one minute, the next I'm ready to take someone's head off (or my own).
During this time, until I can get back on track with my medication, It's going to be hard with finals this week, but I think I will blog more. It's good to get all of this stuff out. It's healthy. And I would love some comments. That would make my day!! Anything. If you have suggestions, I'm all ears. Being bipolar is no joke. Sure, when you're on your "mania" everything is wonderful! You might over spend, over commit your time, or talk too much and say things you shouldn't, but you feel elated. It's the depression part that hits me hard. I have to try and stay positive. I believe that a person's state of mind can do wonders! Like, if I say 1 or 2 positive affirmations a day and really believe them, my mood will change. Or if I start feeling depressed and thinking negative thoughts...I MUST change my thinking around and think of all of the positives in my life. Also, (if I'm not too far into my depression) I can switch the current negative situation around to find a positive that could come out of it. So, the affirmations will help me with the depression part and turning around my thinking will help my "stinkin' thinkin'". So, somehow, in between finals and being a mom/wife and life, I will have to be proactive. See, I can't wait until the depression hits to write affirmations. It won't be as effective. I have to do it now before I go off of the deep end. 
For those of you who read my blog and know me personally, if you wouldn't mind checking in on me, I'd appreciate it. None of this may even happen. But THIS TIME I'm going to be prepared. I won't let my addiction attack me at my weakest moments. I need to be one step ahead of it at all times. Thank you again for reading and going through this journey with me!
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Sunday, February 1, 2015

Life is good!

Today is a great day! A great day to be alive, clean and sober!! My self-esteem is coming back. I'm feeling myself again. My true self. The one everyone loves!! I'm starting to remember WHO I am! And it feels great! I'm actually going to quit smoking as well. So, lets see how I do with that. I'm going to be 38 in a couple of days and it's time to really start thinking about my health. An online friend is also quitting too so...wish us good luck! It's amazing how much money one has when they don't use! And now, think of all the money I'll be saving not smoking! I won't get ahead of myself. I literally just started. But we'll see. And the great thing is...we're becoming a family again. A close family. Things are falling back in place. I know...I'm all over the place. It's just...SO MUCH IS GOOD! Now, I know there will be bumps along the road...just as long as there aren't any more bruises. It's a beautiful day here in Texas. The sun is shining (something I haven't noticed in a while). And it's gorgeous out!! What do they say, "Don't leave before the miracle happens!" Well, I'm glad I didn't. Last week I was talking about coming out of the darkness into the light. Well, the light is shining!! Shining on me!! It's awesome to feel this way about life. One of my favorite quotes is, "Nothing changes if nothing changes!" And I changed!! Changed for the better. I gotta hold on to days like this, because I know every day will not be so incredible. But for right now...LIFE IS GOOD!